Discern What's Behind It

Have you ever had a toxic friend? One minute they are all for you, the next minute they are pulling the rug out from under you. And the main toxicity is that they are undermining who you are. They chip away at the foundation of your confidence and sense of self.
 
What’s going on here is jealousy.
 
‘Anger is cruel, wrath overwhelming, but before a jealous person who can stand?’ (Proverbs 27:4)
 
The jealousy your toxic friend has towards you is not about you. If not you, it would be towards another. It’s not personal towards you. It is personal towards God. It is between them and God. It is an issue of sin.
 
Let’s take a practical example, and how to deal with it…
 
One day you are excited about hanging out with a group of people – toxic friend included. You arrive, you look cute, you feel good. One of the gang says, ‘You look so great today, wow!’ All eyes on you. Your friend chimes in quick, big smile, ‘Totally! Pity about the color of your sneakers, but hey!’ Little Ms Toxic laughs and others laugh along or it would be awkward. Everyone moves on. Later on LMT says to you in private, like sincerely concerned, ‘Why do you think she was saying you looked great?’
 
We have a question to you about you. And it is on a steep slope, so to speak. There is only one way the discussion can go if you answer on Toxic’s terms, and that is downhill, self-deprecation. If you say, ‘I don’t know!’ That is to reinforce that the compliment was somehow insincere and the kind words of no value.
 
Before we consider a response, let’s consider what James – the brother of Jesus – says about jealousy.
 
‘Where there is jealousy there is confusion, and every kind of evil.’ (James 3:16)
 
Ever feel confused around toxic friend?
 
Now look what James says about people with true wisdom and understanding – the kind of friends you need around you. He says:
 
a. They need to show it with good works done in meekness (humility, kindness) that is from true wisdom. (vs.13)
 
b. True wisdom (words from a true friend) are ‘pure, peace-loving, considerate, full of mercy and good fruit.’ (vs.17)
 
Is the spirit of your friend coming towards you in humility, considerateness, pure goodness, building you up?
 
So let’s get back to our example, where friend has just asked you – or insincerely questioned you – about the kind words spoken to you. Let’s pause before we answer, and consider what is behind it. We hit pause and analyze. There is a jealous spirit behind it. It is confusing and undermining. OK, we have discerned the spirit. Now, let us respond accordingly. We might say,
 
‘Well, I personally really appreciated the kind words. They made me feel great!’
 
Here we stood against the spirit we discerned to be jealous. We have not given into what the question implied – i.e. that the compliment was insincere. Rather, we have stood at a distance here, and defined the terms of the event. We say they were good words, kind words, and we receive them.
 
We need to be careful not to respond too quickly to something said or done or questioned. Because we risk – simply by responding on that level – being on that level. 'Do not answer a fool according to his folly, lest you become like him.' (Proverbs 26:4-5) It is better to stop, pause, discern the spirit behind the thing, and if a response is even needed, respond by defining the situation in true wisdom.
 
If you do have time some day to consider a masterful interaction on this level, read and ponder Matthew 4:1-11. Look carefully at what the devil said to Jesus, and how Jesus responded. Jesus battled the devil here in redefining the very spirit of the air, of the confrontation. He did not allow the devil to set the terms of what was being said, and what was actually being done. And the devil, frustrated, finally came out and showed his true colors. Check it out some time!
 
‘Practice discernment.’ (Hebrews 5:14, N88V)

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